My Beloved Tourniquet
He didn’t cross her mind again until the strange dream began that day.
She was nude and trying to find her clothes. Frantically, she searched around looking on the black floor. What the hell am I doing here, and naked? She questions. As the search becomes more delirious, he appears. Standing abruptly, eyes wide, Helen poorly tries to shield herself. The hottie smiles and steps seductively forward. Helen’s enthralled, curious as to know what is going on between them. As he approaches though, she tentatively recoils from him, suddenly afraid. What if he meant her harm? Helen wouldn’t stand for that especially in a dream. Bewilderment gives way to confusion as he stops and frowns. Instinctively, Helen beseeches him out of sudden pity. Without warning his arms fly out in front of him coaxing her to enter them. Unable to resist, Helen inches forward. She looks up at him, his face heartbreaking. A mixture of sadness, rapture, longing, frustration, and anticipation fill his face. His arms hang in the air unable to do anything else.
His smoke eyes lighten as she closes the gap between them, and he slowly seals it wrapping his arms about her. A soft sigh steals her lips as she relishes the comfort and security of his touch. She burrows deeper, reveling in his warmth and intoxicating smell. Helen respires deeply as she feels him pull in tighter. It didn’t matter she was naked; in fact it may have made things easier. As the notion flashes through her, heat follows. Her cheeks flushed. Suddenly, she was feeling things she hadn’t in months. Warmth. Excitement. Love. Security. Rapture. Peace.
The man pulls back slowly and Helen pouts. Her mood shuffles as he chucks her under the chin pointing her face up towards his. Hesitating, she waits for the dream to disappoint her. And yet, their lips touch and Helen’s heart takes off. It felt as real as the dusty air she sucked in before and rushed out after. Pure elation spread from the roots of her hair all the way down to the balls of her toes. She could just die from the heavenliness of that kiss. She clings to him tighter, as the phenomenon begins again, deepening the affair. Her body melts against his as they both try to intertwine further. In one swift motion she’s out of his arms twirling about. Startled and then ecstatic, she feels lighter than air, laughing in spite of herself. Light hearted, she keeps spinning feeling the stress and pain strip away from her. She was surprised by how confident she felt. How alive.
Helen swings back into the protective arms. Swaying gently around they dance in small circles. Helen turns to look into his sterling eyes and cups his face. Looking back at her he lovingly does the same. Then, in a flash of passion their lips move wildly, crushing up against each other. Their fingers snaking through each other’s hair, unable to get enough. Just as Helen lets go completely, her lover vanishes.
She blinks trying to reconcile the darkness. The light leaving with the mysterious kisser. She shivers and tears spring down her cheeks. Uprooted, Helen snaps back to her search for her clothes the only closure in the pressing blackness. The tears spill as she tries to grasp what had happened. Not making sense of any of it she grows desperate groping in the dark. Defeated, she sits back on her knees and hears a shattering yowl rip through the air. Startled, she realizes it’s her and silence settles back over her. Clutching her arms around her chest and waist she slides out onto the cold floor. And the more she tries to make sense of it all, the more insane she drives herself. Trying to wake from the dream she begins to crawl around to wait out the frenzy. But, when it doesn’t she lets out a howl and sobs. Helen knows she was trapped. Trapped within her own black loneliness. Her head spins as she tries to fight the feeling, and rushes to her feet. She runs out into the darkness hoping to find a way out of the madness.
After running for what felt like an hour, exhaustion collapses her back onto the wood. The sobs return and a crushing realization that they are empty tears, that she was then utterly hollow, flattens her completely. The weight of the black pushing down on her. Crippled by the insecurity and longing, Helen digs into her skin trying to feel something. Slowly her knees seek warmth and she tucks them under her chin wrapping her arms around them. The swaying motion of her rocking soothes her as she lets her mind slip into the inky blackness. Helen no longer believes she is dreaming. Slowly the reality sinks in and she can feel. But the first thing she feels is the wracking pain ripping deep into a chasm within. Her breath gives as the night reaches in spilling into her soul’s chasm. Soon, Helen is no more. Her body no longer her own. Her will diminishing as her eyes droop close. Then, black.
And that’s when she wakes. The first night the nightmare occurred, she dug her nails into her sides just to make sure she was alive. She looked down to see stains of blood on the sheet. The reality of the pain and sight of the blood strangely soothed Helen, and she eventually calmed down. Sitting up and blinking she felt as though she had been drowning. Air never felt sweeter as she drew in a deep breath. As she exhaled she remembered the sinking feeling in her heart. It hadn’t left. She clawed at her chest trying to relieve the heaviness of her heart. The fog finally recessed when she bled from her breast. Fully awake Helen jerked at the sheet beneath her and tried to staunch the bleeding. The ruby droplets absorbed by the pitiful tourniquet.
--Solange nicole (2012)
